Apoplexy and the number 7

Soccer 3s… only a matter of time.

The future will be brought to us by the number 3, and a cute little monster with red fur.

Social media descended into its natural state (a fiery blend of apoplexy and incredulity) when news broke this morning that a “Soccer 7s” tournament involving A-League teams has been proposed.

According to a news report, the “Soccer 7s” format has been “devised to help the A-League combat abbreviated forms of rival sports”.

By our calculations, a 90-minute football game is somewhat shorter than a five-day cricket match. And a T20 match takes more than an hour-and-a-half. Perhaps we’re wrong?

(Unlikely.)

The proposed “Soccer 7s” format involves 20-minute games, seven players per side, and the added bonus of goals counting double if scored from outside the penalty area. Goals scored from the other side of halfway? They should be worth four, or maybe four-and-a-half.

As the outrage subsides, we need to look at this proposal with cold logic. If “Soccer 7s” will be more exciting than boring old 11-a-side matches, then how exciting would “Soccer 5s” be, eh?

What about “Soccer 3s”? The goalkeeper can only use one hand, the goals light up when a goal is scored, there’s a bloody great buzzer that goes off when the ball hits the back of the net, the referees are dressed as cheerleaders (or their favourite superheroes), and the players are on roller-skates.

“Soccer 7s” is unimaginative and dull. “Soccer 3s” is the way to go. Where do we collect our fee?