The Perviest World Cup Ever

FIFA's antecedents, the Roman Empire, knew all about the value of the bikini in promoting men's sport.

FIFA’s antecedents, the Roman Empire, knew all about the value of the bikini in promoting men’s sport.

Has this been the perviest World Cup ever?

Well, yes.

Perviness hit new heights when, after a 17-year-old Belgian girl snapped during Belgium’s group games was signed as a model by L’Oreal, a football website posted an article with 50 other fans from the World Cup who could be models.

Click-bait genius?  Yes.  Unnecessarily pervy for a respected football website?  Yes.

This Buzzfeed-meets-Daily-Mail moment rammed home, if you’ll pardon the phrase, just how pervy this World Cup has been.

Sure, heaps of sporting events are pervy.  During cricket telecasts, Channel 9’s cameras always sought out the bikini-clad fans (usually female) in the stands.  The camera once lingered for what seemed like an eternity on a sun-bathing beauty, who was decked out in a minimalist bikini.  Finally, breaking the silence, the late Tony Greig said: “That’s a lovely hat.”  She was indeed wearing a hat.

FIFA President Sepp Blatter once said of women footballers: “Let the women play in more feminine clothes like they do in volleyball. They could, for example, have tighter shorts.”

He’s right.  They could.  They could also hang on to their dignity.

While women’s football inexplicably didn’t follow Blatter’s suggestion, the perviness has been raised to new levels with the broadcast of the 2014 World Cup Finals.  Almost every promotional video in the lead-up to the tournament featured women in bikinis frolicking in the surf.  (Most beaches are in reality populated by fat blokes in Speedos and little kids running about committing acts of violence against their siblings using plastic beach spades and the like.)

The good news, or bad news, depending on your perspective, is that we have not yet reached Peak Perviness.

Here are a few ways the next World Cup can be pervier:

  • Cute kids as “ball attendants” or whatever they’re called these days.  They need to go.  Follow the lead of the Madrid Masters and replace them with models.  Oh sure, they’ll be “trained”.  But they’ll still be models.
  • Cheerleaders.  Mandatory.  And let’s not buy into any of this “athlete/gymnast” nonsense.  They have to be pretty cheerleaders.  Underpaid, as well, with a strict code of behaviour and no chance of unionising.
  • Paco Rabanne.  That ad with the bloke carrying a trophy on his shoulder.  The bit at the end where he goes into the changerooms and there’s a bunch of sheilas sitting in a nasty draft who are wearing only sheets.  That’s what every change room should look like at the next World Cup.
  • Pretty girls in the crowd.  We can’t leave it to chance that there might be 17-year-old potential models sitting in the crowd for a group game between the likes of Belgium and Russia.  FIFA needs to hold auditions prior to the tournament.  Or perhaps sign up the cast-offs from [your country’s] Next Top Model.  A bit of face paint, some cleavage, and a nice clear line of sight between them and the cameras.  Haven forbid that a swarthy bloke wearing a shirt one size too small with sweaty armpits who’s picking his nose might block the public’s view.

There is much work to be done.  We have little time.  FIFA must start work now to make sure that the 2018 World Cup Finals are the perviest ever.