The Tina Arena Rule

On Sunday, Inter Milan beat Sassuolo 7-0 at the San Siro. Sassuolo, down 4-0 at half time, played for most of the second half with ten men.

Argentine Mauro Icardi scored a hat-trick. Osvaldo, on loan to Inter from Southampton (a phrase you probably never thought you’d see), scored a couple. Kovačić and Guarín scored one each.

Inter celebrated after each goal. Surely at some point the shine wears off and putting goals past a hopeless opponent becomes passé? Let’s remember that last season Inter thrashed Sassuolo by the same scoreline.

In our regulated modern society, we need rules. We need guidelines. We need a process. We need best practice.

With that in mind, Thin White Line proposes the Tina Arena Rule.

This was unavoidable in record stores and those newfangled "CD" stores in the mid-1990s.

This was unavoidable in record stores and those newfangled “CD” stores in the mid-1990s.

Australian songstress Tina Area, who sang her way into our hearts as Tiny Tina when she was on Young Talent Time, hit the mother lode in the 1990s with her album Don’t Ask and in particular the single “Chains”.

(Of course, if you grew up in a household where you were only allowed to watch the commercial channel if there was sport on then you would’ve had no bloody idea whatsoever who Tina Arena was until she released “I need your body“.)

The 1995 ARIA Awards were a bloodbath. Arena won four awards: Best Female Artist, Best Pop Release, Song of the Year and Album of the Year. (She was also nominated for Single of the Year – write in if you know the difference between that and Song of the Year – but she lost to Silverchair’s “Tomorrow”.)

“Chains” is a fine pop song. Better, dare we say it, than “The Girlfriend Song” by Tlot Tlot. It was no real surprise when Arena’s single and album won so many awards – a bit like Inter sticking seven past Sassuolo.

Arena was criticised (by Triple J callers at least) for the over-the-top celebrations for the third and fourth awards. Judge for yourself:

Hands up if you watched past the end of the ARIA Awards (featuring a thrilled-to-be-there Janet Jackson – more star power than when the Logies had “Al” from “Home Improvement” at least) to see the bit with Celine Dion showing some love for Tina Arena?

Anyway, celebrating when it’s obvious who the winner will be. Or: The Arena Rule.

There is a time when it is utterly appropriate to celebrate like a mad bastard after scoring your team’s seventh goal – when the scoreline was 6-6 beforehand. But going nuts at 7-0 is like celebrating your fourth ARIA Award with fist pumping. It’s all about the goal difference.

Goal puts your team ahead by one or two goals: Go as mental as you like. The later in the game the more mental the celebration. Beware of potential schadenfreude.

Goal puts your team three goals ahead: A “satisfied” celebration. Job done. Only exception: if you’ve just come on to the field and scored on debut with your first touch, in which case an OMG celebration is appropriate.

Goal puts your team four goals ahead: Absolutely no fist pumping. No pointing. Wave to the supporters. Shake hands with your team mates. No heavy petting.

Goal puts your team 5+ goals ahead: Probably not a good look to climb the chain-link fence to go nuts with the supporters. Choreographed celebrations should be avoided at any time and under all circumstances unless you’re the Colombian national team in which case you can do it whenever you like.

Own goal: the man from the betting syndicate told you not to celebrate.

Comments on the Tina Arena Rule? Let us know on Twitter: @TweetWhiteLine.