What next for Nutmeg?

Thin White Line talks exclusively with Asian Cup 2015 mascot, Nutmeg.

nutmeg-day-afterLet’s start with the question on everyone’s lips. We’ve all seen the photo of you passed out under the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Did you have an Allenby moment?

First of all can I just say what an honour it is to be interviewed for this obscure magazine that the world gives precisely zero fucks about. All this Allenby shit – let’s be clear, that dude doesn’t know how to party. You want to party, you come see Nutmeg.

So what really did happen after the final on Saturday night?

Mate what do you reckon? I got wasted. It was a night of unrivalled de-fucking-bauchery. Were you there? No, you weren’t, you were at home having a pizza I’ll bet.

Well…

Sad fucker. Biggest fuckin’ night of the fuckin’ sporting calendar and you’re at home having a pizza and a Coke? Fuck me.

We had some Cherry Ripes as well and smashed down a box of Maltesers.

Nutmeg stares blankly.

So a memorable night for you, then?

Fuck yeah. I mean, it was all pretty mellow at first. A few beers just to get the buzz happening, then [REDACTED] rocked up with some chicks, I mean it was pretty obvious they were hookers, we did a few lines and then it was on for young and old.

Wombats do cocaine?

Shit yeah. I’d had a disco nap during the afternoon, so I was up for anything.

You were accused – on this very website, in fact – of having the appearance of a “drunken leery wombat”.

I’m a wombat – I’m fuckin’ crepuscular, man. Those PR wankers would wake me up in the day and expect me to put on a show for the friggin’ cameras. Of course I look half-cut. Leery, well sure, I mean, I’m a wombat and I have needs. But after dark, man, that’s when us wombats go off.

Has the Asian Cup been a successful tournament for you?

You better believe it. You know what they say – once you go wombat, you don’t go back.

I didn’t know that.

Trust me, there are boatloads of babes all over the east coast that now have a hankering for wombat.

Just to be clear, are you talking about cross-species mating?

Got it in one.

So you’re the wombat equivalent of Commander Riker from Star Trek, having it off with alien species left right and centre?

What?

Nothing. For you personally, what were the highlights of the Asian Cup?

Meeting Adam Peacock.

Are you high? Right now?

Only a bit.

Any other, er, highlights?

Those bastards made me dance up at Brisbane with all that friggin’ humidity and the friggin’ moths. I’ve got the union on it.

Wombats have unionised?

The WEAA – Wombat Entertainment and Arts Alliance. We can’t let people get away with this shit, y’know?

Are you Sam Pang?

I AM NOT SAM FUCKIN’ PANG! Bastard bought me a dodgy kebab and then abandoned me at the zoo. You should’ve seen the size of my cubic dump.

I’m rather glad I didn’t. Now that the Asian Cup is over, what’s next for you? Going on tour with Fatso the fat-arsed wombat?

Fatso? Nah man, he’s in rehab. My agent’s in talks to get me on “I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here” and maybe “My Kitchen Rules”.

Hopefully as main course.

Fuck you.

Nutmeg on the phone to his agent. "They're offering me a gig on 'Postcards'? Are you shitting me?"

Nutmeg on the phone to his agent. “They’re offering me a gig on ‘Postcards’? Are you shitting me?”