Managers Who Look Like Bond Villains

Are football managers secretly plotting to take over the world? Do they retreat to their mountaintop lairs or tropical islands, planning attacks against the great democracies? Do they use those golden handshakes to fund purchases of nuclear warheads?

Thin White Line investigates.

Carlo Ancelotti

Carlo Ancelotti

International arms dealer who will do business with anyone, as long as they pay cash. Inscrutable, with a rogue eyebrow.

Also has his own website.

Ian Holloway

Ian Holloway

Has never been seen in the same room as Donald Pleasance.

Diego Simeone

Diego Simeone

He had lost count of how many lives he had ended. Some faces he could remember. Some he would never forget.

He could remember the floppy-haired English winger. But many others… nothing.

It had stopped raining. He counted out some forints – enough to cover the coffee and leave a tip. A tip not so large as to be memorable, not so small as to seem cheap. He stepped out into the street and spied his target immediately. His gun was in his jacket pocket. He didn’t need to check for it. He knew it was there.

The target was standing at the bus stop across the street, a satchel wedged between his knees, while he foraged in his trouser pockets for something.

There was a break in the traffic. Simeone knew this was the moment. He grasped the pistol and ran across the street.

Niko Kovac

Niko Kovač

Has no criminal record. Mysterious figure whose name often comes up in inquiries but always seems to have clean hands.

Harry Redknapp

Harry Redknapp

His secret lair is a Range Rover with the window down. And it’s not that secret because there are TV reporters gathered around him with microphones.

A reasonable operator on home turf, he has failed to adapt to different operating environments in foreign territory, as evidenced by this transcript from a phone tapping operation by German intelligence:

Operative 1: “How do we kill him boss?”

Redknapp: “Just f**king shoot around a bit!”

Graham Arnold

Graham Arnold

Are these the cold blue eyes of a killer? He crushes small nations like he will crush this bottle cap. And then he won’t recycle it, either.

Slaven Bilic

Slaven Bilić

World-weary semi-retired double-agent.

Dieter Hecking

Dieter Hecking

To the outside world he appears to be just another cranky German football manager. But the Wolf (as he is known in international intelligence circles) is wily. The current Vfl Wolfsburg manager was recently sent to the stands, whereupon Borussia Mönchengladbach supporters gave him a huge amount of stick.

He didn’t kill any of them. Not one.

This is evidence of a man who is in control. A small mistake (e.g. being given a red card) is never followed by a big mistake (such as executing an opposition supporter on television).

His hideaway, the Wolf’s Lair, is a hotbed of sin and villainy. The Wolf can give you anything you want – drugs, girls, dishwashing powder – but at a price.

With the Wolf, the question is always: are you prepared to pay the price?

Enrique Sánchez Flores

Enrique Sánchez Flores

Flores is currently managing Watford while buying diamond mines in Africa. He also works as a Hugh Laurie impersonator, mostly at Workers’ Clubs and the like.

Vincenzo Montella

Vincenzo Montella

Let’s get straight to the point: Vincenzo Montella is not a Bond villain.

He is, in fact, the traitorous head of the French Secret Service. He is no longer loyal to the Élysée Palace. He is loyal only to himself.

During his climb to the top of the French Secret Service he acquired many mistresses, and many hotel loyalty cards. The question is not if one of his mistresses’ husbands will kill him; it is how. And possibly when. But mostly how. The boys at the CIA are running a book on the “how”, with electrified nipple clamps the favourite.

At a NATO summit he attempted to bed Angela Merkel and Silvio Berlusconi, with a 50% success rate.

Paolo Di CanioPaolo Di Canio

Di Canio may have a reputation for waving to the fans in a stiff-armed manner, but he isn’t a cold-hearted Bond villain.

He is a Bond villain’s murderous off-sider. He gets fulfilment out of killing and breaking into his old office.

Kevin Muscat

Kevin Muscat

It’s obvious that Kevin Muscat isn’t a Bond villain. Muscat is a henchman who has sworn to avenge his mentor.

The NZSIS dossier on Muscat is concise: “Don’t f*&k with Kevin.”

Ramón "Primitivo" Maradiaga

Ramón “Primitivo” Maradiaga

Today, he is coach of El Salvador. But one glance at his CV will tell you that he is using his job as cover in order to roam Central America running a far-reaching swimwear empire that only Timothy Dalton can destroy.

Hervé Renard

Hervé Renard

Killer without a conscience. Womaniser, gambler, and aeronautical engineer. Disguises himself by swapping shirts with others. Gun for hire, who charges in six minute increments.

Michel Preud-homme

Michel Preud’homme

Bond villain? No, former Belgian goalkeeper (and current manager at Club Brugge) Michel Preud’homme is not a Bond villain. He is a scientist who, having invented a vacuum cleaner that doesn’t suck up Lego bricks, is abducted by a Bond villain. If he attempts to escape, then his entire collection of Cabbage Patch Dolls will be sold on eBay.
Sydney FC vs Chelsea FC - Jose Mourinho

Jose Mourinho

Manipulates wealthy men into giving him money and power. Plays mind games with his minions. Humiliates his female employees. Speaks many languages.

Now look at that photo. Of course he’s a Bond villain. He’s the Bond villain.