Today’s announcement that FIFA will back a 48-team tournament at the 2026 World Cup has been met with delirium in Tasmania. The island state has announced it will secede from Australia, or “the mainland” as it is often known.
“That’s it Australia, we’re off!” said Tasmanian Premier Will Hodgman. Plans for a new currency, the Boonie, are already underway.
“For too long Tasmania has been a victim of the Sydney-centric FFA. How many Tasmanians have you seen called up to the Socceroos, eh? There was Dominic Longo, but who else? In the same time we’ve produced cricketers like David Boon, Ricky Ponting, Ben Hilfenhaus and several other blokes like Jamie Cox and Di Venuto who deadset should have played more if it weren’t for the NSW-centric Cricket Australia,” said Mr Hodgman, mopping sweat from his brow.
Rumours continue to circulate that Tasmania had engaged well-connected consultants to lobby FIFA Council members.
“I can categorically deny rumours that Tasmania hired any fancy consultants to lobby FIFA folks. We did send them some postcards of Wineglass Bay, and some stockpiled Monique Brumby CDs.”
The Minister for Sport and Recreation, Will Hodgman, said that Tasmania would also be bidding to host the 2026 tournament.
“Tasmania will offer a unique viewing experience for the world game.
“Already Tasmanians can park their cars on the sidelines and watch the game in comfort from their utes and panel vans. By 2026, Tasmania will be the only nation in the world to offer multi-level car parks with views of the pitch,” he said.
“We’ve also been inspired by what Qatar is doing about the heat there. It can get a bit windy at the Montello Recreation Ground and at George Town, so we’re looking at building some bloody big walls. We’re also looking into what happened to the hedges from York Park.”
Tasmania’s Minister for Tourism, Will Hodgman, was also excited about the prospect of hosting the 2026 tournament.
“People from all over the world will have the chance to dodge roadkill on our fantastic roads,” he said.
Plans for a Tasmanian team to enter the A-League have not been shelved, according to sources close to the bid.
“We’ll need a second-tier competition for some of our juniors, I reckon,” said local expert, Steve “Stevo” Chugg.
Mr Chugg, also known as “Chuggy”, said hosting the World Cup in Tasmania would be “full on”.
“We’ll have all the best teams in the world here, and maybe England too.”
Concerns that Tasmania might not have enough hotel rooms to accommodate thousands of international visitors were quickly scotched.
“Mate, just billet them, like we used to do for high school sport exchanges and stuff like that,” said Stevo Chugg. “I reckon I could find room for a few of those hot Swedish chicks, easy.”
A World Cup staged in Tasmania during July would be a winter World Cup, but that wouldn’t be a problem according to Chuggy. “Mate, when the wind’s blowing off Mt Wellington, you know you’re alive. Your nipples will fair slice through your shirts. I think it will be good for people to get a taste of what fresh air really is.”
Mr Chugg’s uncompromising support for a winter tournament in Tasmania is in no way connected with his stall at Salamanca Market selling moccasins and ugg boots. “Ronaldo in mockies, mate, that’d be awesome!”
No specific date has been set for Tasmania to leave the Australian Commonwealth. Gianni Infantino is expected to preside over the official ceremony. There is speculation that Infantino will also be appointed to do the weekly draw of the new Tasmanian lottery.